every day keep hustlin'

Today I gave up my seat on the train for the first time ever. To an old Dominican woman schlepping way to many bags of crap. We awkwardly exchanged positions in the 6 train like two overly polite pedestrians fighting to give right of way on a sidewalk. I noticed that all momentary feelings of altruism immediately gave way to bitterness at the sight of WAY too many young able bodied men comfortably sitting. Assholes, nicely done you sphincter+rectum combination. I have moments occasionally where I feel such a slave to my embittered lot in life and I am truly shocked beyond comprehension at my abilities to mask this. Under the guise of prim pearls and business traditional lies a myriad of devilish thoughts. Nothing masochistic of course, just "damn that person is shockingly ugly" or "that woman's stupid accent and gay story makes me want to suffocate her with her Longchamp tote bag". I actually think it's amusing that my thoughts are still not a reflection of my moral character, just because they were not spoken aloud. Like that useless tree that falls in a forest which is never heard. Where does it come from? This feeling occasionally that if you stabbed my heart, black hot tar would ooze to the floor. Perhaps from a lifetime of telling people what they want to hear? I am 31 years old and that is literally my career. If my resume could only read "professional white liar" 2003 - 2010, with "complacent" and "placating" in bullet points highlighted by a Bachelors degree in bullshitting, the honesty might give my life a marginal level of increased direction. I departed an interview yesterday with this sentiment regarding my qualifications and still a sense of delusional pride. Just a finger snap from a panhandler, every day is a hustle and that's the truth. With each job, tested career path and interview this is the skill that I have truly perfected, a skill that defines half my life, 40 hours of each passing week. You wonder how the people that love you would react. Perhaps how they might react upon hearing every sinister thought that passed a brain wave if it then passed your lips.