Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments...

I don't presume in any way to be knowledgeable on something as subjective as love. In many ways I am stunted in this department and far less informed than a woman my age should be. Much like someone who is the product of some pubescent arranged marriage, most of my dating years were spent in the same relationship. The only difference is that I entered the arrangement willingly and even after time robbed it of any semblance of love and romance, I diligently stayed. I can sit here and bitch about how difficult dating is in New York but I would rather forgo that, as it would only serve to illustrate another cliche...that of the bitter and cynical New York woman. The truth is finding someone is difficult everywhere, people just approach it differently in other parts of the country. In New York the independent converge and being single past the age of 30 is fully accepted as a valid lifestyle choice, like bisexuality or being vegan.

I think both being single and being in a relationship both offer their own set of obstacles. It is just as challenging to deal with the pitfalls and compromise of a steady relationship or marriage. We all try to avoid the mistakes of our past but if not for the incomparable joys that can be shared, then we would all just follow suit with the George Clooney school of bachelorhood. It's as simple as that, there are some of us that live for the potential of things while others would just rather not bother. But there is a point in a relationship, much like when your train stops and there is a sick passenger, the doors are open and you can decide to jump ship or you can stay put and weather out the uncertainty. I made the decision to stay and cross that threshold with someone and when the subway doors opened I found a really great man waiting. We are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend. I can only say that moving in with him has been the scariest most thrilling decision, fraught with worry and exalted happiness since deciding to move to New York. So I am dedicating this blog to him and since he received a blank unsigned anniversary card, just thought I would say.... You have made feeling vulnerable and powerful simultaneously great. To me you are never the skydive, just the parachute. I promise to always have the patience to wait on the train and be there for you when the doors open.

With Love, S

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Bravery

As long predicted my blog has taken the backseat to various other tumultuous changes in my life and it has been difficult to muster up the bravery to openly address anything. The hardest thing about blogging is the honesty part, for as long as the written word has existed the simple act of being honest has abstained the most genius of writers from sharing and allowed the most garishly extroverted to publish. How else is plausible for Hilary Duff and Paris Hilton to become bestselling authors? Anyways, in an effort to refrain from Doogie Howser-ing all my problems I hit an emotional road block. Therefor I would like to restart my blog by being honest. During the time in which I inexcusably neglected this humble diary, I have changed professions, taken the next huge step in my relationship, had various epiphany's in which I hated New York then loved New York then came to terms with only thing that's constant...change.

I have decided that I am officially waving the white flag at one of my long standing ventures, which is pursuing any sort of corporate career in the city. I would regard this decision as a product of failure if it weren't for the fact that I am certain to be much happier from it. I no longer want to subject myself to the proclivities of the "Type A" CEO and their eccentric needs but to devote my profession to something far more rewarding. I decided during an emotional brainstorming that I wanted to go back to my roots and pursue teaching. My childhood from 1st to 5th grade was an extremely pivotal time in my life in which I had to endure all forms of racial and socio-economic stereotypes. I was once made to believe through several events that because English was not my first language, I could never be educated the same way as my peers. I want to dedicate my time to furthering the education of a child that is starting from the same background, who may potentially suffer a different fate as a result. I've decided that if my efforts are to be thankless then I would rather they be expended in this manner than fetching for a middle aged man who has decided at some point in life that he is too important to make his own coffee. I think being able to forgive yourself and moving on is a huge part of growing up and I wish that lately this has been easier for me to cope with. Maybe it has just taken me a bit longer to grow up than others but I am forgiving myself for all my failures. I think the pursuit of happiness can be a wholly evil and selfish venture if you allow it to be. I am trading in all my chips for a meager existance and even though it may take time, I have never been happier with this newfound direction and where it might lead me in the end.